And the Award goes to ….

The Norwegian Nobel Committee has decided that the Nobel Peace Prize for 2009 is to be awarded to President Barack Obama for his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples. The Committee has attached special importance to Obama’s vision of and work for a world without nuclear weapons.

Obama has as President created a new climate in international politics. Multilateral diplomacy has regained a central position, with emphasis on the role that the United Nations and other international institutions can play. Dialogue and negotiations are preferred as instruments for resolving even the most difficult international conflicts. The vision of a world free from nuclear arms has powerfully stimulated disarmament and arms control negotiations. Thanks to Obama’s initiative, the USA is now playing a more constructive role in meeting the great climatic challenges the world is confronting. Democracy and human rights are to be strengthened.

Above is an excerpt of the press release from Nobel Foundation about their decision to award President Obama with the Nobel Peace Prize. The news obviously startled many; which doesn’t surprise anyone considering some of the animosity that many people harness towards his “ridiculous liberal notions of progression.”

But as I hear more and more about the prize and the other candidates – I wonder do I agree with the criticisms. Reading through the press-release makes the decision sound incredibly political, decisions based on potential instead of demonstrated merit; what-ifs instead of actual events.  I think President Obama has similar sentiments:

“I am both surprised and deeply humbled,” Obama said at the White House. “I do not view it as a recognition of my own accomplishments. But rather as an affirmation of American leadership. … I will accept this award as a call to action…”

Obama said he did not feel he deserves “to be in the company” of past winners, but would continue to push a broad range of international objectives…”  CNN reports.

However, according to an excerpt from Nobel’s will,  “the Peace Prize should be awarded ‘to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses.’” – Who is to say that President Obama hasn’t done the best work? The only problem is … we don’t know, yet.

“Women Haters” Vs. Racism

I have a confession. I am an avid listener of NPR…but I haven’t contributed any money to them….and… I change the station when they start asking for money.  I promise to do better.

  Anyways, now that I got that off my chest I want to discuss something that sparked from NPR a couple of weeks ago.

 My boyfriend and I are in a long car ride from his parent’s house listening to NPR and there were individuals debating the issue of race when it came to the TEA Party, Republican representative Joe Wilson’s outburst, and what they perceived as blatant hatred for Barack Obama’s presidency.  The boyfriend turned down the volume and asked me what I felt about racism brought up in the discussion of people’s disproval of President Obama.

 

I thought about it for a moment. I didn’t want to be too quick to answer, because whenever you immediately assert that there is sexism, racism, colorism, or classism intertwined in an issue then it seems to take the “boy who cried wolf” effect – no one wants to acknowledge your accusations anymore; you’re considered radical.

 

Here’s the response I finally felt was appropriate.

 “You know how whenever a woman criticizes a beautiful woman and everyone tells her that she’s being a ‘hater?’ Even when the criticisms are legitimate? I think that is the case a lot. However, although the criticisms may be legitimate, it’s possible that because many woman have an innate hatred for another woman who looks better than them ( I was trying to be funny, but it can be true with many insecure people) there is a screen that may really affect their judgments.

 Same thing with racism… People can deny they are racist and genuinely believe they aren’t. But we aren’t as far away from our oppressive history that we all like to act. We can easily slip into our unconscious biases – especially when we feel threatened. I don’t believe a lot of them are intentionally exerting racism. ”

Simple. Right? Maybe not.

Dear Chris Brown, no one believes you…

…and those of us who do, are just in severe denial.

I know that many of us who feel some what educated on the situation have lost interest and wish the story would stop being spotlighted. However, I would desperately like to take this (prolonged) moment to shed some light on the actual horrors of the situation.

FIRST, let’s take a look at what Mr. Brown feels he is entitled to:

King: What do you think caused you to be violent? I mean, you have to think about it. Everybody — we all think about ourselves — why did I lose my temper, why did I get angry over this?

Brown: I mean, that’s relationships. I wouldn’t say it’s OK. I think, just in relationships in general, there’s chances where you lose your temper or like arguments get heated or whatever the case may be. I’m not saying domestic violence is a part of relationships.

I feel like that we’re young. We’re both young. So nobody taught us how to love one another. Nobody taught us a book on how to control our emotions or our anger. I’m not trying to fall on the fact that I’m young. I’m just saying it’s a lot of stuff that I wish I could have changed that night. 

King: When you hear about all the things that the police and the reports say you did, how do you react to that?

Brown: I’ll just look at it and like, “Wow, like, I’m in shock. Because, first of all, that’s not who I am as a person and that’s not who I promise I want to be.

King: Do you remember doing it?

Brown: No.

King: You don’t remember doing it?

Brown: I don’t. It’s like it’s crazy to me.

Mr. Brown…you don’t remember? How convenient.

Mr. Brown…we know you didn’t lose your temper. You didn’t need anger management courses, you need someone to enforce in you, what exactly your entitlements consist of…or better yet, what they do NOT consist of.

(Does he think that we don’t realize that most batterers claim they are in love with the survivor?) We don’t doubt that love was there, we don’t think you hit her because you don’t love her – we know you think you hit her because you believe you are entitled to it, because you needed to exert “Power & Control” over her.

Chris Brown assumes all the appropriate roles that a batterer often does:

• He’s Charming
• Good Looking
• Controls His “Boyish” Charms in the Public Spotlight
• He’s Smart

What we, as a society, don’t recognize is that batterers are all of the above – and more. They are very intelligent, incredibly divisive, and fully conscious of all of their decisions -even if they “don’t remember” after wards. As a society, we often like to think of batterers as people who look unkempt with no education and no class (which they very well could be).Well, thanks Chris Brown for reminding us that, that just isn’t so.

What’s worst about Mr. Brown’s incident? All signs of lethality are obvious (I would pray in whichever religion you believe in for Rhianna if she goes back, I don’t anticipate her surviving the relationship – literally.)

Let’s visit national statistics about Domestic Violence and increased lethality warning signs.

• Disregard for consequences – Mr. Brown beat Rhianna in a public place, in broad daylight – he dragged her out of the car for all to see. He either didn’t care about the consequences or thought he was above them.
• Threats to kill the survivor (obviously) – Mr. Brown told Rhianna that when he was going to kill her before the cops got there, if she called them.
• Extreme Jealousy – Hmm… didn’t it all stem from an argument about who she could and couldn’t see? Which also leaks into the next indication of lethality
• Separating the survivor from all of his/her support systems (i.e. family and friends)
• Perceived loss of control over the survivor

Okay, I will stop there. I got sick to my stomach when the incident was first publicized, because every forum or public commentary had hundreds of women and men blaming Rhianna. Including, a talk show THE VIEW.

I was particularly disgusted by them. They blamed her by saying that she needs to leave the relationship and shouldn’t go back for the sake of all women. Then they turned around and said that she shouldn’t have hit him in the first place.

First of all, only Rhianna knows if it’s safe to leave her relationship. Lethality increases 70% when a survivor tries to leave a relationship with Domestic Violence. In some unfortunate cases, it’s safer to STAY in the relationship. Secondly, if it were that easy, emotionally, to leave the relationship then we wouldn’t have so many survivors still in the relationship.

THIRD OF ALL, I cannot believe The View really had the audacity to put ANY blame on Rhianna. There is a clear difference between Rhianna shoving Mr. Brown and him shoving her back (unhealthy, but still equal) – vs. Rhianna shoving Mr. Brown and Mr. Brown beating the shit out of her. There is a clear “Power and Control” imbalance there and denying that on public television is just despicable. Rhianna has no dues to society other than to take care of herself and survive the traumatizing part of her life, the best that she can, period.

We could all benefit by taking the situation for what it was, instead of making assumptions based on what would make us feel more comfortable in our future choices in relationships.

I chose to be Heterosexual.

Of course I didn’t…that’s absurd. I grew up knowing that I was attracted to men and wanted to be with men. period.

So what intheehell makes people think that anyone who identifies with the  LGBT(Q) community had a choice? I have yet to meet a heterosexual individual who said “hey, when I came of age to decide whether or not I was attracted to men and women, I decided on men. It just seemed natural.”

Here is what would solve ALL of our issues today. Ready?

If you are not the demographic you are criticizing then don’t tell them how they should feel.

If you are a white man don’t tell me what’s its like to be a black woman - you don’t know, and it would be absolutely impossible for you to ever know.

If you are in a healthy relationship and always have been, do not tell your friend who has been suffering from domestic violence how they should feel and what they should do – because how would you know?

If you are dating the opposite sex, always have been, always desired to…  do not tell anyone who identifies with the LGBT(Q) community how their life is a choice. How would you know??? You wouldn’t.

Your job – as a human being  or even as a friend – is to listen and support. Stop trying to “solve” things that you don’t understand. You can’t – you just end up oppressing individuals, because inevitably you miss the depth of the “issue.” It is my personal belief that we could all progress so much further if we just took a deep breath and listened, and attempted to accept that we couldn’t live anyone else’s life better than they are already living it.

I would also like to dispel the ridiculous myth that people turn gay or lesbian from childhood incidents of sexual assault. Think about it, do you really believe that someone who considers herself a lesbian turns straight, because she got raped by a male? If you disagree…just do some research, please.

Feminist Marrige an Oxymoron?

We could burn every single bra we own, throw all of our makeup out, grow hair on our bodies until we can braid it, and purchase stock in Birkenstocks, but by choosing to live in society we cannot avoid acting in ways which support the subordination of women. To lead a totally feminist existence, we would have to move to some deserted island and lead a subsistence-geared life, solely in the company of our fellow eschewers of the great phallus. – R. Martin

Renee Martin uses harsh words in her Womanist Musings, but is she wrong?

I’ve often contemplated the hypocrisy in me getting married and the way I preach about feminist lifestyle.

Diamond wedding bands of possession.Giant white dresses to ensure my “purity,” and my father “giving” me away to my future husband.

…but it all seems so tempting. I do love diamonds, and a giant dress, and party made for the celebration of the rest of my life (supposedly).

Okay, so the question evolves into…how do you maintain your feminist status without giving up the traditions that you would like to indulge in? Can you?

Is it possible to accept an engagement ring as a woman and call yourself an equal partner? I mean you now have some symbol of commitment while your partner is still considered a bachelor – hence the bachelor party ‘last night of being single?’ Which is ridiculous, because statistically someone is going to cheat anyways. But I digress. Bachelor Party vs. Bridal Shower.

Is it possible to change your last name for your partner and call yourself an equal partner? I mean no one can find Sally Johnson from grade school on Facebook because she is no longer Sally Johnson, she is now Sally Anthony. A completely different identity according to FaceBook. I am being facetious, of course – don’t make life decisions based on your FB status – but it’s the same concept, how are you equal if only one of you is giving up your previous identity. Yes…there is a lot in a name, otherwise why ever change it at all?

& the white dress…my goodness… if that is the most absurd tradition that we hold on to. It only magnifies this stigma that women seem to internalize – their sexuality is ‘dirty’ or ‘radical’ or worst ‘whore-ism’ when no one cares to acknowledge the sexual status of the man.

That certainly isn’t equal.

But…What if you both wear an engagement ring? What if you merge last names or create an entirely new one? What if white wasn’t even a color in your wedding? What if you stretch and skew the traditions to mirror your feminist beliefs? Is it still feminist hypocrisy?

What a REAL Woman Looks Like

That’s not okay to say is it?

Then why is no one else irritated of Fox’s new show “More to Love?” Why is it impossible to acknowledge an underrepresented beauty of woman, without putting another person down?

I mean – none – not one – of any female in America has a healthy body image, no matter the size. Is it necessary to tell me that because I have a small frame that I’m not a good representation of a woman? I have been hearing that my entire life and I am very frustrated with it.

“Big girls are much more fun than those skinny little ones.”

It’s exciting to see beautiful women feel empowered by their own body image, but really…. that isn’t necessary. Like Monique telling me that “REAL women don’t wear size zeros.” Excuse me? I invested money in your show to tell me I am not real?

I remember in High School a woman came to talk about her anorexia and I listened intently and compassionately, just before she went off on a tangent about how retail-stores like Abercrombie make size zeros just so they can convince women they need to be small. Are you kidding me?!

We had to write reflection letters thanking her for coming to visit and sharing her story.I politely thanked her for sharing her experience and let her know that retail-stores sell those sizes because real women come in all sizes – in her natural size and mine (size 0). My goodness – I use to intentionally over eat EVERY meal, because I felt like I didn’t look like a ‘real’ woman like everyone around me. It made me literally sick… I wasn’t mean to look like that.

Why don’t people think before they talk? No, I won’t watch ‘More To Love,’ because I am a real woman, too.

Ladies…. why do you ever have to set me back, to put yourself forward?

Sarah Palin Resignation

Yesterday, I bought a newspaper that I usually don’t purchase, because Sarah Palin’s face was on it. I thought it would give greater insight to what all the hype was about. It didn’t. So I’m still confused – and slightly terrified…

“I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it one more time: Sarah Palin scares the bejeezus out of the left. She is their very worst nightmare: an amazingly charismatic conservative who connects with huge swaths of the right (and more than a few on the left), an ardent protector of the unborn who has put her money where her mouth is (and believe me, the hate she engenders is as much about Trig as it is about anything), a consistent and proven winner who attacks problems (and political opponents) from unexpected angles, and a successful, attractive, unashamed woman.” – Jimmie

Well, I don’t know what a bejeezus is, but I do know that those were definitely not my initial sentiments as a non-conservative non-republican. My first thoughts were “oh, that was unexpected.” And then I looked deeper into what people were saying and I thought “wait….she quit to prove her commitment?”

Palin is attractive – okay, I guess – I don’t see the relevance, but sure.

Palin has great family values – I would never attempt to debate that, but so do I.

Palin is an unashamed woman – why yes she is. There are many unashamed politicians – It’s kind of their job.

But let’s move away from this tedious irrelevance.  I think her advisors suck. Point blank. She comes off insulting. “no more politics as usual” – I’m not sure I get how it is okay for her to denounce every other governor that didn’t run for reelection as individuals taking advantage of the people the vowed to serve. I also don’t understand how she easily soothes so many of her followers by asserting that her failure to abide by her commitment is a gift. Why couldn’t she end “politics as usual by…” by staying true to her commitment and following it through in a way that she calls unconventional? And if what she says is true….what the hell is the point of that commitment to be Governor anyways?

Look, I’m tired of being insulted by a woman who claims to be a feminist. Get the girl a better team of advisors, a new stylist, and a speech writer – because most of her statements are choppy and need a “politics as usual” “maverick” or a wink and a smile in order to tie up the swampy intention. I don’t fear her because she’s “amazingly charismatic,” in fact I think that’s a gross over statement. I fear her, because I hardly agree with a single thing the woman says, but so many people think she’s some kind of a gift to revitalize a party falling behind a curve. I fear her because I think her ineptitude shines bright like a lighthouse.

CNN’s Hairstory part 2

Cont.

“When we think about that, there is no other racial or ethnic group in which those ideas come to bear on someone’s politics,” said Banks, who gathered data for her book by traveling to black hair salons across the country. “No one is saying that about white women, Asian women or Latino women.”

Erin Aubry Kaplan, who wrote an article about Michelle Obama’s hair and its implications for Salon.com, believes the first lady’s straightened and perfectly coiffed style helps her image.

“She has been criticized about many things, but I think that underneath the criticism about her being radical or too outspoken about race is this uneasiness people have about her being this tall, dark-skinned woman,” Kaplan said. “So her hair is important, because if she is tall, dark-skinned and has an Afro then she becomes really scary.”

Let me tell you…I have personally contemplated why a woman so confident, and so intellectually stimulated has chemically relaxed hair. I wanted to know what fueled her decision to stay on that pattern – I am certain she weighed the options. How am I certain? Because behind education and knowledge, especially thorough knowledge of African-Amerian history, comes the realization of the implications such a decision has on you – from hair to urban wear.  I hope it wasn’t to appear to be less-intimidating though. In fact, I find it genuinely insulting that someone would assume that her hair and her daughter’s hair is a part of the political agenda – intentionally avoiding frightening other races.

I hear aaaaallllllll the time that hair isn’t as big of an issue as I make it when I discuss it with family and friend’s who warned me in the beginning not to start my transition.  And I understand their warnings – because had I been more busy at the time, with less time to contemplate my meaning of life…I would have never considered it. And because I never would have considered it, then I never would have started noticing the hurt that actually tormented me, and people around me. Everyone tries to deny that it’s “that serious,” but I’ve personally seen most of them struggle with their self-image because of their hair.

“It was really surprising to me because I was so afraid what people would think about them and I didn’t think I would feel that way,” Johnson said [about her decision to get kinky twist]. “Whenever I would get my hair done, I would get straight styles and I did not know if people would think that the kinky style was pretty.”

“When a child has straight hair, they are told they have ‘good hair’ and while people aren’t telling children with curly hair that they have ‘bad hair,’ in essence that is what you are saying because you are saying that straight hair is good hair,” Valdez-Simeon said. “I try to explain to people that good hair is not straight hair, it’s healthy hair,” said Valdez-Simeon, who also said all of the comments [about her bi-racial daughters’ “good hair”] have come from African-Americans.

I personally remember my white roommate one year, who had all black friends telling me as we walk to get dinner together, “you know why I’m glad I’m not black, Tifanei?”

“Why, ________?”I don’t bother to put my defensives up, assuming she was planning on making a corny joke.

“because, I have good hair,” she says ….…I should have put my defensive up… After she said that, I just stuttered and tried to pointlessly defend my ‘good’ hair that was relaxed and breaking off at the ends.

I remember another time a white female, with long unkempt straggly-looking hair telling me that she didn’t like black women’s hair, because it’s so “hard.” Now I assume she was simply referring to the up-dos. And again, instead of defending black women in general I defended my ‘good’ hair. I walked away thinking “how the hell could anyone who keeps their hair looking like she does, tell me that someone else’s hair isn’t good enough?”

I could really go on… last weekend, at the Legally Blonde Musical that I took my sister to see. All of the prominent black women in the play had weaves and flow-y straight “good hair.” Except for one…the black female that was a part of the– and I quote – “boring, ugly, and plain” student’s at Harvard Law, she had a hair style that resembled an afro. Hey…at least they depicted her as the intelligent one right?

We get no breaks….okay; I’m done with the examples. You should get why it’s still an ‘issue’ and at least understand how if you’re a black woman today and that’s all you hear and see…you end up one of two ways, in denial or like me…pissed off that anyone had you deny that nappy beauty in the first place. And If I’ve exhausted you, think about how I feel when I just look around…

I’m so proud of the man and woman, raising the black daughter for honoring that her hair is in fact beautiful in its natural state.

CNN’s Hairstory Part 1

The other night I had a nightmare, that my hair grew miraculously to a long 3ft, and no…it wasn’t nappy and beautiful…it was straight and flowed with the wind. I shamefully felt stunning too – I’m sharing this, because I recently read this ireport article by a man who also had a nightmares to start converging towards the ‘right’ direction. Despite my dream, I think my hair is beautiful and I am sure that I’m not the only one – I get compliments all the time. I’ll spare you the sub-conscious factors that probably fueled my dream, because I bet you can figure it out…

CNN posted a story yesterday entitled “In the black culture, a richness of hairstory,” which I was delighted to click on, because I can’t get enough of talking about black culture and hair. It’s a subject to avoid talking about with most ignorant ‘other’ races (you know those who get uncomfortable when you acknowledge that you are aware that your skin is a different color). And it’s absolutely taboo to discuss with a black women who is prideful of her “good (relaxed)hair” or “good weave.” So I jumped at the chance to hear someone else’s story. This one, that I encourage you to read, is about a white couple who adopts a black girl and realizing she is coming of the age that she needs to deal with “the hair issue.”

“The Atlanta, Georgia-based couple, who are white, had read books about transracial adoptions that addressed how to deal with Miriam’s springy curls that grew in full, dark and strong after a toddlerhood of baldness. Green took it upon himself to learn how to care for and style his daughter’s textured tresses.

“We didn’t have any skills, but we had the desire,” said Green of learning to do his now 5-year-old daughter’s hair. “It’s the culture, it’s important and we want to honor it and respect it.” For many African-Americans, having a child walk around with unkempt hair is an almost unpardonable sin. That desire to be well groomed extends into adulthood and the multitudes of hairstyles are as diverse as the black community itself.”

I immediately shared it with my twitter followers and there were a few retweets and then this response (from a really close friend):

KatieKrafka @Tifanei not gonna lie i wouldn;t know what to do either ha!

Well, I wanted to send a series of tweets telling her what everyone should consider. However, a blog might be more successful right?

My parents raised me to be a very prideful person. I am beautiful, destined to be successful, and immeasurably intelligent (see?)…but my hair needs work. Right? That’s what I learned (and all of my black friend’s too). Once every two months, I have to go to the hair dresser to make sure that my hair has been straightened properly. I couldn’t swim like the rest of the girls; I had to wear a swim cap at seven years old and would often opt out of a swim party to avoid the embarrassment. I can even remember when I was younger I watch the children’s channels and catch the L’Oreal ‘no tear’ shampoo commercials. The young girls and boys would have so much fun washing their hair. And I would sit there wishing that my hair was good enough to have fun with shampoo like them (ironically L’oreal was just found guilty of racial discrimination). I remember in 8th grade, I wore weave all year and cried ….painfully cried for hours and hours because I felt so bald and so disgusting when I had to finally take it out. My mom used to pay over a hundred dollars every time I got it done just so that I would feel like I belonged/like I was beautiful too. When I was in High School, I finally grew my hair to the length that I liked, it was relaxed and as healthy as relaxed hair could be and I was happy with it. I only started to grow it natural, when I came to terms with the reasons I kept it straight.

….whatever those parents decide to do with their new black daughter, I hope they don’t try to permanently alter her hair in anyway. Most of us, content in our state of ignorance, don’t realize the detriment that a black woman’s (or man’s) self esteem suffers from when at such a young age we’re told from all angles that kinky or nappy curls are less than human, less than ever beautiful. If I had it my way…no child would be able to have relaxers – a relaxer should be a decision to make as an adult. That way it’s understood as an individual style, not a kind of make-up/cover-up for an entire race.

Also, in the article is a  mother who isn’t black, she has two bi-racial daughters. She talks about her shock at the reactions to her daughters’ “good hair.”I encourage you to read that one too.

Cont.

We’re pregnant…

I have recently edited this piece so that I don’t disclose any identities…not that any of the people who know the people that I wrote about, read this.

Eric is getting married in less than a month. His bachelor party was this weekend and apparently he was very anxious to discuss the happenings in the office Monday morning. I tune into a conversation that goes a little like this:

“I know! I had to tell the girl – who was smokin’ hott by the way – that he was not only married, but his wife was pregnant!” says Eric. “She didn’t even care that the ring was in his pocket! She was a slut.”

Okay, he’s fucking around on his pregnant wife, but the girl who had no ties to his wife was the slut. okay…. and it gets better.

“What? I don’t understand that. Don’t talk about this around me. Today is not the day for me to pretend like you didn’t say something absurd.” I let them know I’m over hearing everything.

“Why, Tifanei what’s wrong?”

“I don’t feel well, my fallopian tubes hurt.”

“Okay, that’s inappropriate information.”

My organs were inappropriate…not the on going discussion. But wait…ha, we’re still not done.

“Why do men cheat on their pregnant wives? Is it because their wife is fat?” asks Susan (yes…female).

“No, it’s not always that….a lot of men cheat at that time. It’s because they feel tied down.” Says Bill, who is married with a baby on the way.

So, let me get this straight… a woman has to endure many months of swollen feet, painful backs, frequent urination, loss of sleep, frequent urination, extreme fatigue, hernias, nausea, heartburn, headaches, and not to mention bed-rest  during pregnancy, but THE MAN is the one who is tied down. Very interesting.

You know, I often don’t go through days where I feel defeated as a feminist, but statements like the series I witnessed today felt like a ton a bricks just intimately met the side of my face.